Joel Goodson: When it came right down to it, I just wasn’t attracted to her.
Miles: That should never stop you.
Joel Goodson: Don’t steal anything. If I come back here and anything’s missing, I’m going straight to the police. I mean it.
Joel Goodson: College women can smell ignorance… like dog shit.
[Joel Goodson's parents are away for the weekend]
Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, “What the fuck.” “What the fuck” gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.
Joel Goodson: So is this Guido guy… he’s your “manager”?
Lana: That’s right.
Joel Goodson: Or a pimp?
Lana: Now that’s quick Joel. Have you always been this quick, or is this something new?
[after Joel's Princeton interview]
Lana: So, how’re we doin’?
Joel Goodson: Looks like University of Illinois!
Joel Goodson: Porsche. There is no substitute.
Miles: Fuck you.
Joel Goodson: You know, Bill, there’s one thing I learned in all my years. Sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck, make your move.”
Rutherford: I beg your pardon?
Joel Goodson: Uh, my name isn’t really Ralph. It’s Joel.
Lana: Mmmm. I’ll be needing 300 bucks… *Joel*.
Joel Goodson: You’re kidding.
Lana: No, I don’t believe that I am.
Joel Goodson: Well, uh, it’s just that I don’t have that much here in the house.
Lana: How much do you have?
Joel Goodson: I have 50 dollars.
Lana: 50 dollars? What are we going to do about this, Joel?
Joel Goodson: I don’t know.
Joel Goodson: Could I send it to you?
Lana: [incredulous] Could you *send* it to me?
Joel Goodson: [long pause] I, uh, have a bond at the bank. I could go cash that.
Lana: I’m not real good at waiting.
Joel Goodson: I’ll be quick.
Miles: Sometimes you gotta say “What the Fuck”, make your move. Joel, every now and then, saying “What the Fuck”, brings freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity brings freedom. So your parents are going out of town. You got the place all to yourself.
Joel Goodson: Yeah.
Miles: What the fuck.
Joel Goodson: It seems to me that if there were any logic to our language, trust would be a four letter word.
Joel Goodson: My name is Joel Goodson. I deal in human fulfillment. I grossed over eight thousand dollars in one night. Time of your life, huh kid?
Joel Goodson: Looks like the University of Illinois!
Joel Goodson: [voiceover] The dream is always the same. Instead of going home, I go to the neighbors’. I ring, but nobody answers.
The door is open, so I go inside. I’m looking around for the people, but nobody seems to be there. And then I hear the shower running, so I go upstairs to see what’s what. Then I see her; this… girl, this incredible girl. I mean, what she’s doing there I don’t know, because she doesn’t live there… but it’s a dream, so I go with it. “Who’s there?” she says. “Joel,” I say. “What are you doing here?” “I don’t know what I’m doing here; what are *you* doing here?” “I’m taking a shower,” she says. Then I give her: “You want me to go?” “No,” she says; “I want you to wash my back.” So now, I’m gettin’ enthusiastic about this dream. So I go to her, but she’s hard to find through all the steam and stuff; I keep losing her. Finally I get to the door… and I… find myself in a room full of kids taking their college boards. I’m over three hours late; I’ve got two minutes to take the whole test. I’ve… just made a terrible mistake. I’ll never get to college. My life is ruined.
Guido: Listen to me.
Joel Goodson: No, no. You listen to ME!
[Guido hangs up]
Joel Goodson: Shit!
Joel Goodson: You listen to me, buster. You, you a-hole.
Joel Goodson: I want my stuff back right now.
Guido: Now you listen to me, you little fuck. Not only you take my two best girls, you call me names. If I didn’t have any self-respect, it wouldn’t just be the furniture, it’d be your arms, your legs, your head.
Joel Goodson: I don’t think I am going to say, “What the fuck?” anymore
Joel Goodson: It was great the way her mind worked. No guilt, no doubts, no fear. None of my specialities. Just the shameless pursuit of immediate gratification. What a capitalist.
Joel Goodson: Some of the girls are wearing my mother’s clothing.
Lana: What’s wrong with that?
Joel Goodson: I just don’t want to spend the rest of my life in analysis.
Jackie: Hello, Joel. I’m Jackie.
Joel Goodson: Hello, Jackie. I’m not Joel. Joel stepped out for a moment. Hold on… I’ll go call him.